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So I was mistaken I thought I had the best boyfriend of my life. He was great so attentive but he fooled me good. And I so much wanted to believe him so that’s what I did. I was going thru some shit with my kid who lives with us. And he was so great & so understanding I thought but now I know it was all a lie. He acted like he was here for me but he never actually was. All this time he’s been trying to make dates while I am at work and right from the beginning. And it’s ok. I’m ok with it. Now I’m ok it was all a lie I understand that now & im done

Day 5
It was a fairly pleasant day. I didn’t get much sleep so I ended up working from home. I was pretty productive. It’s funny to me that I feel so much more productive working from home in my pajamas with the TV on in the background. I tend to take less breaks than when I’m in the office and even take less time to eat lunch. I also have to remind myself to check the clock so that I know when it’s quitting time. I’ve never lost track of time while at work in my office. I find that when I’m there I keep watching the clock. But at home I am happy to keep working and not worry about the clock at all.
I’ve got a lot of things going on emotionally at home. I don’t feel like getting into that right now. I will say that I am struggling to have my own life and to think about the things that I want that will make me happy and making those things happen. I am fighting against feeling responsible for grown people who now need to be responsible for themselves. It’s my time and I’m fighting myself to make it my time. It’s a struggle but one I need to go through and one I need to overcome. It will be better for everyone once I do.

Day 2
Today was pretty much like any other. I woke up and went to work just like any other day. I did the things required for me to earn that deposit into my account.
I also got away from the office and had lunch with a friend. We went to a sushi place and it was a really nice time. I enjoyed talking with him & relaxing and laughing. I felt at ease and comfortable. I felt like myself. Or felt something like myself. I wasn’t guarded or careful or secretive. I didn’t feel like I was hiding. I guess that’s really what I came away with from that lunch. I didn’t feel like I was hiding. At that put my soul at ease.

Day one
It’s been too long and I’m not sure how much I’ve been missed but I’m happy to be back. I hope to be more present in my life. I’ve ducked out of it for a long time, doing only the things that I must and nothing more. I’ve been a stranger to myself for such a long time now it will be interesting getting to know myself all over again or maybe for the first time ever. It seems that I’ve allowed myself to be defined by whatever was currently going on in my life. I just kind of went along without being truly present. Then I dropped out of my life. I don’t know if anyone else can understand what I’m trying to say but it’s also ok if no one ever does. I’m starting to figure it out and now it’s time for me. To be happy and fulfilled & satisfied. I need me. And I need to be present for me.

So, I have been thinking the past few days that maybe I should try something different with my blog. What if instead of writing about all the things that get in the way of my writing I write short stories on this thing? There are plenty of writing prompts out there and I have tons of ideas that aren’t full blown novels. Maybe it could be good practice to write short stories. It would be a nice little creative challenge. My blog could potentially be more interesting if it wasn’t always all about my crap. I think that I’d still write about me sometimes but maybe I should let my mind explore some of the ideas that I have. Maybe putting it out in the world will help me to get over my fear of turning them loose. I could completely embarrass myself or maybe just maybe I’ll actually entertain someone out there. Either I could fall flat on my face or realize the potential my stories may have. I think it’s worth a shot.

This thought occurred to me while I was out walking today at lunch time. Today was the perfect day for walking and enjoying the sunshine. I can’t be unhappy in the sunshine especially when the temperature is just right and there is a breeze blowing. I can’t be miserable out walking on a day like today. Very frequently a smile would creep onto my face and then I’m grinning like an idiot and laughing out loud at myself wondering what the other people passing are seeing when they look at me. That makes me laugh more. Hopefully seeing me smile and enjoy myself added to their day and they found themselves also laughing and smiling.

But back to my question. I’ve heard it said often that you have to fake it till you make it. I am not really sure what that means and have trouble believing that it is really possible to fake your way into success. Isn’t success something that you need to work at? Faking it doesn’t sound like working at it. Sure there are plenty of times that I am faking it. Like when I’m in a bout of horrible depression but yet at work I act cheerful and friendly when I am feeling neither of those things. Faking happiness doesn’t end up making me feel happy. It’s just how I get through the day until I can finally leave and go home and let myself sink into my depression. I’m not trying to bring my coworkers down or cause them to take pity on me. It’s the workplace so there is no room for sinking depressions. I want to write and hopefully tell good stories that will bring others enjoyment but I haven’t been doing much of that recently. Am I faking it with this blog? Just writing until I can actually write? It sometimes feels like it. Would that be what fake it till you make means? Maybe. I’m still skeptical.

So, it’s true. I am my own worst enemy. I make goals for myself and then seem to set right out to sabotage them. I’m a stubborn asshole. Nobody is going to tell me what to do not even myself. Is this a lesson learned today or just the latest truth I am spouting off to make it seem as though I am making real progress? I’m really not sure. I seem to be hit by all sorts of revelations and each time I convince myself that this is the one. This is the thing that’s going to get me off my ass and working towards something. But it lasts for a few days and I feel good and productive and then I wake up one morning and it’s gone. All the inspiration, all the gumption, all the fight. I’m not sure what happens to it. I don’t know why I can’t hold on to it. I keep thinking that I need just one thing but I am thinking that’s wrong. I need a whole slew of things. Maybe I should make a list of my revelations. I’m thinking that if I do then I will find that it’s really just the same thought dressed up in different clothes as if somehow that makes it new. And that’s why each time it comes to me I get all revved up and ready to go as if this is going to be the one that keeps me moving forward. Maybe it’s the depression or self doubt talking. Already I was starting to feel like I might be on to something but no it just sounds like the same thing wrapped in a newer, shinier looking package. It might be depression and I am positive that it’s a heck of a lot of self doubt and quite a bit of self loathing thrown in. That feeling again of why bother because it’s all going to end in nothing really being accomplished anyway.

Well, I wrote today so that’s something. I’ll take the little victories.

I’m not sure what my aversion to Facebook is but I have refused to join except for one weekend when I was snowed in and going stir crazy and even then I quit before the weekend was over.And I spelled my own name wrong when making the page. It could’ve been the wine. It was probably the wine. But what a dunce, eh?
When I am asked if I’m on Facebook and I say no then the almost immediate question is why. I don’t really have a good answer.So, usually I just say that I refuse as if that’s a real answer. It seems to satisfy people though because usually they tell me that the only reason they are on Facebook is to keep up with what is going on with friends or family. I get that but I have the phone numbers to the people I want to keep in touch with so I can call or text them at any time that I need to catch up so I just don’t feel the need for a Facebook page.
I’m on Twitter and I enjoy that. I think it’s because I can just read quick blurbs and am not required to like or to respond to it. My feeling with Facebook is that it seems like everyone needs to have a response or to have someone like their post. I just want to read and move on. But maybe people feel the same on Twitter too but I just don’t feel the pressure. Also it seems that nobody can stay away from Facebook. I can’t even have lunch with my boyfriend without him constantly checking his Facebook. I am right here, in front of you so how about engage in conversation with me the person who is buying your lunch. Sometimes I take his phone away or I make him put it away but often I just let it slide and grumble to myself about it.
Maybe one day I will try it out again but not anytime soon.
But I can’t be the sole holdout to Facebook. There have got to be others like me. Right?

So, it seems that I stymied myself. It started with a post that I wanted to make and tried several times to write but then would scrap it. It’s something that I need to write and get out of my head but I couldn’t seem to allow myself to do it. And then all kinds of other things came up that I also wanted to talk about and then with the one thing hanging over my head I couldn’t seem to get past it to write the other stuff. So, now it’s been a month since I’ve written and a text from my brother today jump started me and so here I am. Is it possible to feel that someone is disappointed in you from a single text message that doesn’t express any outward claims of disappointment? I could be making it up. I do have a tendency to do just that. Anyway real or imagined it got me here and writing today. So, I should finally write what stymied me in the first place.

I was told by an ex that I have unrealistic expectations when it comes to what I want in a relationship. I don’t believe that this is true. If I am going to commit myself to someone then I expect a partner. A real partner. Someone who’s got my back and I’ve got theirs. When it comes time to circle the wagons I want to be in the circle not left to fend for myself on the outside. I want to be a part in finding a solution to whatever trouble my partner finds themselves in and I want them to do the same for me. I understand the need to work and that we may not be available every second of the day for each other but I do expect that we will talk every day. I will not accept that it is ok for several days to go by that we don’t speak at all. It’s hard to build a lasting meaningful relationship with someone you talk to every few days. I want to hear about their day and I want to talk about mine. I want to be included in family events. I don’t want to be spending holidays alone when I have a partner.This had really hit home with me one summer holiday I think it may have been Memorial day weekend and I was at my Aunt’s house for the annual cookout. I had invited him and his children but he had other plans. Well my Pop had asked where is he and I said with his family and so he followed up by asking well why aren’t you with him then? The only answer I had for him was that I was not invited. That made me realize that while he said that he was committed to me and even though we were talking about moving in together that we really weren’t in the kind of relationship that I wanted and expected. I had tried on several occasions to express these things but was told that I am asking too much. So, I came to the conclusion that if these things are too much to ask then I’m not in a real relationship and that I need to let it go.

Now, there’s where I did not handle things well at all and I didn’t really handle well the telling of the things that I want which may have led to him thinking that I was unreasonable. While we were together I would try to talk myself out of these things that I want. I would try to tell myself that I was happy with the way things were. But really I wasn’t. So, instead of talking to him sober like a reasonable person I would let it all out while I was drinking. And I drank a lot. What reasonable person can you find when that person is blitzed?Especially when she is ranting about all the things she can’t bring herself to say when she’s sober. When sober I just want keep things nice nice and not rock boats because the thing that I am afraid to find out might actually be true. That he’s really not in this thing with me. So, I would blurt it all out drunk because then I thought I could handle the disappointment. The reality is that I couldn’t handle the disappointment any better while drunk. It’s just that it was so much easier not to care about what consequences that might come from what I was saying and how I was acting. So, he told me that he’s had to walk away from me too many times. And the reason he had to was because I made him. I had decided that we weren’t ever going to be in the relationship that I wanted and we had even tried doing it several times. Each time ended with me going crazy while drunk and making him turn away from me.

All this happened a month ago. He hasn’t said anything at all to me since that last conversation so I’m not even sure if we are still friends. When we were talking I was sober and reasonable and I thought that we were going to be ok as friends.He had asked what do I want and I said I wanted us to be friends. And so now I’m unsure about what to do. I was the last one who texted. Do I text him or wait for him to text me. I didn’t even hear from him on Mother’s day which also happened to be my birthday so I’m inclined to think that I should leave him be.

I don’t have any inspiration today. Nothing that jumps out that I want to write about so I thought I’d just start writing and see what comes of it. It was not a bad day. It was actually quite good for the most part. But I’ve got nothing. I’m writing anyway so I guess that’s something. I thought that maybe once I got my fingers warmed up then maybe my mind would catch up.

And a totally wild thing just happened. Just before I started writing this I was texting with my youngest son about how I felt uninspired today and that I had decided to just start writing and see what happens and I had just finished typing the last sentence of the previous paragraph when I received this text from my son:

“You could try just letting your mind go and seeing what your fingers type. I did that a couple of times and it can be enlightening to see what you write without anything particular in mind”

That’s my boy! I love that we can have conversations that are so in sync. Of course I’m a proud mama and would sing the praises of both my boys. and I’ve had similar experiences with both of them. This one just happened at a time that I was currently writing a blog. It really is a beautiful thing. I am proud of both of them. They have wonderful, intelligent, inquisitive minds. I’d like to think that I had something to do with that.  I love that for all the years that I have been teaching them that now they are able to teach and inspire me. Actually they have been teaching and inspiring me all along. There are so many things I might never have learned if it weren’t for them. So, for all the hard work it took in raising them I will be forever grateful for what they have taught me and are still teaching me.