What will you see in the mirror?

I was sitting today at the auto shop waiting for them to change my oil which was long overdue but never mind about that. As I was waiting I was reading Elvis Costello’s book Unfaithful Music & Disappearing Ink when I was hit full in the gut and realized that I am actually terrified of taking a real, hard, truthful look at myself. He was writing about recording his album Spike with Allen Toussaint and more specifically his song Deep Dark Truthful Mirror. Here’s the excerpt that very nearly shattered me and I had to remind myself that I was in public and had to keep control of myself.

“One day you’re going to have to face a deep dark truthful mirror And it’s going to tell you things that I still love you too much to say

It is hard to live with someone who repeatedly hurls himself into the oblivion of alcohol and anger. It’s harder still when that person is you or someone you are pretending to love”

The first bit is the opening lines to his song Deep Dark Truthful Mirror and the second is what he writes immediately after. The combination of the two were what just about knocked me from my feet. I knew right away that was going to be the subject of my blog today. He could’ve been talking right to me. It’s funny when I come across things like this. Things that seem placed in just the right spot waiting for me to stumble upon at just the moment that I need to hear them. Not that I really believe in that sort of thing. It’s just funny to think of it that way.

A quick aside. I am currently listening to his album Spike while I write this. It’s beautiful and fits my mood of late. Check it out for yourself sometime.

After that passage and even more so after listening to the song I know that I have not been honest with myself for a very long time. Even when close friends have tried to tell me gently and sometimes not so gently that I am on a very dangerous road. I wonder if I could handle looking into that deep, dark, truthful mirror and if I would survive the truths to be found there. I wonder how many people out there could. I think there comes a time when you have to look. That maybe that’s the only way to survive. How many times can I wake up not remembering bits of my life? Bits that if I keep going the way I have been are going to chase away the very people that I need in my life to survive. There’s only so long that you can watch a person destroy themselves before you have no choice but to walk away because it hurts too much that there isn’t a thing that you can do to help. I am pretty sure I already know what that mirror is going to show me and that’s why I have yet to look. But it’s time. I know it is. I’m just not ready. I am afraid.

Well, this ended up a bit more morose than I intended. I had hoped that some where along the way in writing this that I would find a way or the will or the way to a will or a will to the way. Something. But it’s not coming to me. Not yet. I thought that I’d find a way to end on a positive note. But it’s no where to be found. I’ll keep at it though. Maybe not in today’s entry but it will come. I have to believe that.