Monthly Archives: June 2016

So, I have been thinking the past few days that maybe I should try something different with my blog. What if instead of writing about all the things that get in the way of my writing I write short stories on this thing? There are plenty of writing prompts out there and I have tons of ideas that aren’t full blown novels. Maybe it could be good practice to write short stories. It would be a nice little creative challenge. My blog could potentially be more interesting if it wasn’t always all about my crap. I think that I’d still write about me sometimes but maybe I should let my mind explore some of the ideas that I have. Maybe putting it out in the world will help me to get over my fear of turning them loose. I could completely embarrass myself or maybe just maybe I’ll actually entertain someone out there. Either I could fall flat on my face or realize the potential my stories may have. I think it’s worth a shot.

This thought occurred to me while I was out walking today at lunch time. Today was the perfect day for walking and enjoying the sunshine. I can’t be unhappy in the sunshine especially when the temperature is just right and there is a breeze blowing. I can’t be miserable out walking on a day like today. Very frequently a smile would creep onto my face and then I’m grinning like an idiot and laughing out loud at myself wondering what the other people passing are seeing when they look at me. That makes me laugh more. Hopefully seeing me smile and enjoy myself added to their day and they found themselves also laughing and smiling.

But back to my question. I’ve heard it said often that you have to fake it till you make it. I am not really sure what that means and have trouble believing that it is really possible to fake your way into success. Isn’t success something that you need to work at? Faking it doesn’t sound like working at it. Sure there are plenty of times that I am faking it. Like when I’m in a bout of horrible depression but yet at work I act cheerful and friendly when I am feeling neither of those things. Faking happiness doesn’t end up making me feel happy. It’s just how I get through the day until I can finally leave and go home and let myself sink into my depression. I’m not trying to bring my coworkers down or cause them to take pity on me. It’s the workplace so there is no room for sinking depressions. I want to write and hopefully tell good stories that will bring others enjoyment but I haven’t been doing much of that recently. Am I faking it with this blog? Just writing until I can actually write? It sometimes feels like it. Would that be what fake it till you make means? Maybe. I’m still skeptical.

So, it’s true. I am my own worst enemy. I make goals for myself and then seem to set right out to sabotage them. I’m a stubborn asshole. Nobody is going to tell me what to do not even myself. Is this a lesson learned today or just the latest truth I am spouting off to make it seem as though I am making real progress? I’m really not sure. I seem to be hit by all sorts of revelations and each time I convince myself that this is the one. This is the thing that’s going to get me off my ass and working towards something. But it lasts for a few days and I feel good and productive and then I wake up one morning and it’s gone. All the inspiration, all the gumption, all the fight. I’m not sure what happens to it. I don’t know why I can’t hold on to it. I keep thinking that I need just one thing but I am thinking that’s wrong. I need a whole slew of things. Maybe I should make a list of my revelations. I’m thinking that if I do then I will find that it’s really just the same thought dressed up in different clothes as if somehow that makes it new. And that’s why each time it comes to me I get all revved up and ready to go as if this is going to be the one that keeps me moving forward. Maybe it’s the depression or self doubt talking. Already I was starting to feel like I might be on to something but no it just sounds like the same thing wrapped in a newer, shinier looking package. It might be depression and I am positive that it’s a heck of a lot of self doubt and quite a bit of self loathing thrown in. That feeling again of why bother because it’s all going to end in nothing really being accomplished anyway.

Well, I wrote today so that’s something. I’ll take the little victories.

I’m not sure what my aversion to Facebook is but I have refused to join except for one weekend when I was snowed in and going stir crazy and even then I quit before the weekend was over.And I spelled my own name wrong when making the page. It could’ve been the wine. It was probably the wine. But what a dunce, eh?
When I am asked if I’m on Facebook and I say no then the almost immediate question is why. I don’t really have a good answer.So, usually I just say that I refuse as if that’s a real answer. It seems to satisfy people though because usually they tell me that the only reason they are on Facebook is to keep up with what is going on with friends or family. I get that but I have the phone numbers to the people I want to keep in touch with so I can call or text them at any time that I need to catch up so I just don’t feel the need for a Facebook page.
I’m on Twitter and I enjoy that. I think it’s because I can just read quick blurbs and am not required to like or to respond to it. My feeling with Facebook is that it seems like everyone needs to have a response or to have someone like their post. I just want to read and move on. But maybe people feel the same on Twitter too but I just don’t feel the pressure. Also it seems that nobody can stay away from Facebook. I can’t even have lunch with my boyfriend without him constantly checking his Facebook. I am right here, in front of you so how about engage in conversation with me the person who is buying your lunch. Sometimes I take his phone away or I make him put it away but often I just let it slide and grumble to myself about it.
Maybe one day I will try it out again but not anytime soon.
But I can’t be the sole holdout to Facebook. There have got to be others like me. Right?