Nobody is gonna tell me what to do

So, it’s true. I am my own worst enemy. I make goals for myself and then seem to set right out to sabotage them. I’m a stubborn asshole. Nobody is going to tell me what to do not even myself. Is this a lesson learned today or just the latest truth I am spouting off to make it seem as though I am making real progress? I’m really not sure. I seem to be hit by all sorts of revelations and each time I convince myself that this is the one. This is the thing that’s going to get me off my ass and working towards something. But it lasts for a few days and I feel good and productive and then I wake up one morning and it’s gone. All the inspiration, all the gumption, all the fight. I’m not sure what happens to it. I don’t know why I can’t hold on to it. I keep thinking that I need just one thing but I am thinking that’s wrong. I need a whole slew of things. Maybe I should make a list of my revelations. I’m thinking that if I do then I will find that it’s really just the same thought dressed up in different clothes as if somehow that makes it new. And that’s why each time it comes to me I get all revved up and ready to go as if this is going to be the one that keeps me moving forward. Maybe it’s the depression or self doubt talking. Already I was starting to feel like I might be on to something but no it just sounds like the same thing wrapped in a newer, shinier looking package. It might be depression and I am positive that it’s a heck of a lot of self doubt and quite a bit of self loathing thrown in. That feeling again of why bother because it’s all going to end in nothing really being accomplished anyway.

Well, I wrote today so that’s something. I’ll take the little victories.

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