So, it seems that I stymied myself. It started with a post that I wanted to make and tried several times to write but then would scrap it. It’s something that I need to write and get out of my head but I couldn’t seem to allow myself to do it. And then all kinds of other things came up that I also wanted to talk about and then with the one thing hanging over my head I couldn’t seem to get past it to write the other stuff. So, now it’s been a month since I’ve written and a text from my brother today jump started me and so here I am. Is it possible to feel that someone is disappointed in you from a single text message that doesn’t express any outward claims of disappointment? I could be making it up. I do have a tendency to do just that. Anyway real or imagined it got me here and writing today. So, I should finally write what stymied me in the first place.
I was told by an ex that I have unrealistic expectations when it comes to what I want in a relationship. I don’t believe that this is true. If I am going to commit myself to someone then I expect a partner. A real partner. Someone who’s got my back and I’ve got theirs. When it comes time to circle the wagons I want to be in the circle not left to fend for myself on the outside. I want to be a part in finding a solution to whatever trouble my partner finds themselves in and I want them to do the same for me. I understand the need to work and that we may not be available every second of the day for each other but I do expect that we will talk every day. I will not accept that it is ok for several days to go by that we don’t speak at all. It’s hard to build a lasting meaningful relationship with someone you talk to every few days. I want to hear about their day and I want to talk about mine. I want to be included in family events. I don’t want to be spending holidays alone when I have a partner.This had really hit home with me one summer holiday I think it may have been Memorial day weekend and I was at my Aunt’s house for the annual cookout. I had invited him and his children but he had other plans. Well my Pop had asked where is he and I said with his family and so he followed up by asking well why aren’t you with him then? The only answer I had for him was that I was not invited. That made me realize that while he said that he was committed to me and even though we were talking about moving in together that we really weren’t in the kind of relationship that I wanted and expected. I had tried on several occasions to express these things but was told that I am asking too much. So, I came to the conclusion that if these things are too much to ask then I’m not in a real relationship and that I need to let it go.
Now, there’s where I did not handle things well at all and I didn’t really handle well the telling of the things that I want which may have led to him thinking that I was unreasonable. While we were together I would try to talk myself out of these things that I want. I would try to tell myself that I was happy with the way things were. But really I wasn’t. So, instead of talking to him sober like a reasonable person I would let it all out while I was drinking. And I drank a lot. What reasonable person can you find when that person is blitzed?Especially when she is ranting about all the things she can’t bring herself to say when she’s sober. When sober I just want keep things nice nice and not rock boats because the thing that I am afraid to find out might actually be true. That he’s really not in this thing with me. So, I would blurt it all out drunk because then I thought I could handle the disappointment. The reality is that I couldn’t handle the disappointment any better while drunk. It’s just that it was so much easier not to care about what consequences that might come from what I was saying and how I was acting. So, he told me that he’s had to walk away from me too many times. And the reason he had to was because I made him. I had decided that we weren’t ever going to be in the relationship that I wanted and we had even tried doing it several times. Each time ended with me going crazy while drunk and making him turn away from me.
All this happened a month ago. He hasn’t said anything at all to me since that last conversation so I’m not even sure if we are still friends. When we were talking I was sober and reasonable and I thought that we were going to be ok as friends.He had asked what do I want and I said I wanted us to be friends. And so now I’m unsure about what to do. I was the last one who texted. Do I text him or wait for him to text me. I didn’t even hear from him on Mother’s day which also happened to be my birthday so I’m inclined to think that I should leave him be.