I've Been Distracting Myself

I came across this Mental Floss article http://mentalfloss.com/article/78078/40-nifty-words-start-n-add-your-vocabulary  and found a word that is little used today.  nullibiquitous  and it means: Not in existence anywhere. It reminded me of a story about an ex boyfriend. This was a long time ago. I am sure it was over ten years ago. He and I were at Guitar Center and we were at the counter so that he could make a purchase or inquire about a product. I can’t remember which. The kid behind the counter asks him for his name and he tells him. The kid then says something like I’ve heard that name before somewhere or I think I’ve seen you somewhere before to which my boyfriend replies “I’m ubiquitous!” and the kid looks at him and asks “Is that your middle name?”. He and I laughed because the kid was asking a serious question so I told him “No, it means that he’s everywhere.” I’m not sure the kid ever got the joke but it doesn’t matter because we did and it still makes me laugh when I think about it. So, I was quite excited to come across its opposite. I love words and always enjoy finding new ones. This particular boyfriend had an affinity for words and I loved that about him. I read everything that I can get my hands on and I thought that I knew a lot of words but he taught me quite a few new ones and that was fun. He used to call himself “aberrant tissue” which I found quite clever considering that aberrant means: departing from  an accepted standard. But then one day we were talking about what he meant by aberrant and he said it meant that he was hated and I told him that he was using the wrong word and the word he wanted was abhorrent. It turned out that he wasn’t pronouncing abhorrent correctly so we ended up arguing about how to pronounce it. It ended with me looking up both words to prove it to him. I still think it was much more clever to call himself “aberrant tissue”. I always felt that fit him better than abhorrent. Any how that was a long time ago and while he and I didn’t end up together I still have far more fond memories of our time together than the ones that resulted in our not staying together.

No, not a good excuse. I should have been writing anyway. But I didn’t. I don’t even feel in the mood to now but I’m making myself do it anyway. I’ve not even made any progress at all on my re-writes. I did get my taxes done last night. At the last minute. I used to be one of those people that did my taxes as soon as I had all the needed forms. Of course that was back when my kids were small and weren’t able to claim themselves. I was also a single mother and I needed that tax return to pay off my Christmas debt and if I was lucky I could get a head start on the coming year’s bills. I tried like hell for them to not feel as poor as we actually were. I hope I succeeded.

I went into work today thinking that I was all caught up on everything and that it’d be an easy day but then the big boss emailed right at the start of the day and changed all that. It turned out to be quite a busy day. I’m glad. I enjoy the work I do and it’s a much better day when I have a ton to do. Even if that can make it stressful sometimes. I am very fortunate that I enjoy my job.

It was a beautiful day and I succeeded in cleaning out half of my car on my lunch break. I drive around with way to much in my car. It seems that every where I turn I have secreted away some memory. That’s why I didn’t finish my car today. I started going through the things that I am keeping in there and then found myself thinking about how those particular things ended up in my car in the first place. Then I was trying to decide what needed to come out of there so that if ever I needed to have more people in the back seat they would actually have a place to comfortably sit. That was hard. I don’t currently have my “own” place to live so my car feels like the only place that is actually all mine. So, I want to have things in there that make it feel like as long as I have my car I have a home. That sounds so stupid now that I’ve typed it out. Ah well. It’s just how it is so I’m not taking it out. There really are a lot of things that I don’t need to drive around every where I go but I still can’t get myself to take them out of the car. Almost all of my books are in storage right now but I have a lot of books still in my car and I can’t let them go. It comforts me to know that they are there. That I can pick them up and read them where ever I might find myself stuck. A few of them I have read. I sometimes use my lunch break to read but there are a quite a few that I haven’t yet so I know that I’ve always got something to read when the need arises. I did manage to get all of my books in the same bag so that instead of 3 or 4 semi full bags of books there is just one. So, that’s an accomplishment. And I was able to see what books I still had in my car. It had been a while since I had looked at them so I didn’t know what was in my car and what wasn’t. Most of them were bought at the thrift store by work before it closed down. I tried to decide which ones should stay or go but in the end decided that they all needed to stay. Who knows when I might decide to run away from home and will really need the comfort of those books.

Well, this has been a rather disjointed post and now I’ve come to the end. Till next time.

This morning a coworker of mine died. It’s very sad for all of us. I’ve known this man for at least 15 years and in all that time, while we have worked together via email and telephone, I never had the opportunity to meet him in person. That makes me extremely sad. I always thought that we would meet one day. We’ve always worked in different offices and never needed to conduct business face to face. He could get grumpy at times especially if he felt that someone might not be living up to the expectations of the job they were being paid for but mostly he was kind and funny and could always be counted on to deliver.

He was diagnosed with cancer about a month ago and was going to be starting chemo but other health issues prevented that from happening right away and we lost a really wonderful man. He was with our company for 42 years. He’s made a lasting impression on all of us in the business.

His initials were B.S. and I would receive interoffice envelopes from him where he would always write from B.S. and the twelve year old in me would always giggle every time I saw it. I finally emailed him one day and told him so and he replied “Hopefully not all BS. Shucks I thought of that years ago and hoped it would make other people smile.” I am going to miss him. A lot.

The sun shining always makes the world feel like a better place. It makes me smile and feel optimistic. Have I written on a Friday, yet? I think it’s my first time. I’m not going to bother to go check. It really doesn’t matter what day of the week it as long as it is a day that I am writing. And I don’t want to find myself criticizing me for the days I didn’t write. I am writing today and that is good enough for me.

I didn’t get very far with adding my new ideas to my newest story. I jotted down the what if questions that I have. Part of the problem is that I started off the story in first person and the what if questions are not going to easily incorporate themselves into the first person view. So, now I’m trying to figure out how to re-work the story so these events can take place in way that will make sense. So, it looks like I am going to be doing some rewriting over the next few days. That’s a happy thing.

I was sitting today at the auto shop waiting for them to change my oil which was long overdue but never mind about that. As I was waiting I was reading Elvis Costello’s book Unfaithful Music & Disappearing Ink when I was hit full in the gut and realized that I am actually terrified of taking a real, hard, truthful look at myself. He was writing about recording his album Spike with Allen Toussaint and more specifically his song Deep Dark Truthful Mirror. Here’s the excerpt that very nearly shattered me and I had to remind myself that I was in public and had to keep control of myself.

“One day you’re going to have to face a deep dark truthful mirror And it’s going to tell you things that I still love you too much to say

It is hard to live with someone who repeatedly hurls himself into the oblivion of alcohol and anger. It’s harder still when that person is you or someone you are pretending to love”

The first bit is the opening lines to his song Deep Dark Truthful Mirror and the second is what he writes immediately after. The combination of the two were what just about knocked me from my feet. I knew right away that was going to be the subject of my blog today. He could’ve been talking right to me. It’s funny when I come across things like this. Things that seem placed in just the right spot waiting for me to stumble upon at just the moment that I need to hear them. Not that I really believe in that sort of thing. It’s just funny to think of it that way.

A quick aside. I am currently listening to his album Spike while I write this. It’s beautiful and fits my mood of late. Check it out for yourself sometime.

After that passage and even more so after listening to the song I know that I have not been honest with myself for a very long time. Even when close friends have tried to tell me gently and sometimes not so gently that I am on a very dangerous road. I wonder if I could handle looking into that deep, dark, truthful mirror and if I would survive the truths to be found there. I wonder how many people out there could. I think there comes a time when you have to look. That maybe that’s the only way to survive. How many times can I wake up not remembering bits of my life? Bits that if I keep going the way I have been are going to chase away the very people that I need in my life to survive. There’s only so long that you can watch a person destroy themselves before you have no choice but to walk away because it hurts too much that there isn’t a thing that you can do to help. I am pretty sure I already know what that mirror is going to show me and that’s why I have yet to look. But it’s time. I know it is. I’m just not ready. I am afraid.

Well, this ended up a bit more morose than I intended. I had hoped that some where along the way in writing this that I would find a way or the will or the way to a will or a will to the way. Something. But it’s not coming to me. Not yet. I thought that I’d find a way to end on a positive note. But it’s no where to be found. I’ll keep at it though. Maybe not in today’s entry but it will come. I have to believe that.

I know exactly what I am doing today. I am feeling sorry for myself. I have a pretty good reason but no good could come of this so I need to find a way to turn it around. I’m sure that I am not the first person to imagine a product designed to chase sadness away with a play on the word woebegone. I’m not even positive that it counts as a play on the word. But it came to me today when I needed a title and inspiration to drag me out of my gloom and get to writing and it made me laugh when it came to me. So, I’m here. I’m not yet sure for how long today but I’ll keep writing until I find the end of this. I’m not going to go into why I am feeling sorry for myself. That’s a bit too personal for me right now to put into a blog but maybe one day I’ll have grown enough to let all of me out there. Maybe I’ll do it when I’m not feeling quite so vulnerable or maybe that’s the perfect time. But it’s not happening today. I do know that changes need to come and that I’m the only one who can do the work.
I did have some new ideas about the story I’m writing and I think they came about because of the way I’m feeling today. After this I’m going to see if they will make sense in the tale I’m telling. I think it’s part of the underlying darkness that I mentioned in a previous blog. If not then maybe it’s the beginning of another story waiting to be told. I will find out.
I have to wonder if it’s better to stick to the current story and see it through to its end or if it’s ok to start on other stories while this one is still in its infancy. I’m thinking that any new story ideas should at least be jotted down while they are fresh in my mind. I’d hate to have them forgotten. I’m thinking that it’s also ok if I jump around to the stories that demand my attention. They shouldn’t be put off just because another was there first. If they are the hungry ones then shouldn’t they be the ones that are fed?
Well, I’ve reached the end for today. Let me go see what my story has in for me today. and oh yea! Choose to be happy!

A friend told me today ‘don’t think so much”. I understand that I often way overthink things, finding conspiracies, implications and underlying intentions that very probably don’t exist but I’m not sure how to shut that off. It’s the way my mind works. I analyze everything. I never want to be caught off guard so I try like hell to stay one step ahead. Often this actually leads to the very thing that I am trying to avoid. I end up so caught up in the analysis that I’m blindsided by something that hadn’t occurred to me yet. My solution is to add this found thing into the arguments I have in my head, with myself of course but also with countless known or unknown people. None of whom are arguing with me at all. The arguments all exist inside my head. Still I try not to be caught unaware so that I’m not the fool. This becomes a problem when I push away or keep others at a distance because that actually is the intention of all of those arguments I have with myself. If I don’t let others in then I can avoid being hurt. I know this will never lead to any real long living happiness but I am compelled to do it any way. I don’t want to stop thinking or analyzing but I’d like to turn it into something constructive that will help me find a true kind of happiness that really comes from allowing myself to care for other people and more importantly to allow them to care for me. I don’t think I ever understood the expression ” No man is an island” Sometimes I get the feeling that I do understand but that quickly goes away. I’m not sure that it fits here at all but for some reason it popped into my head as something that could be pertinent but I really don’t understand why. Maybe it will reveal itself. Maybe it won’t. I do believe that my obsession with analysis could be used for good. I think I have used it for good. I think it’s where my stories live. I just don’t know how to let it go on a personal level so that I might let someone in. I’m beginning to think that is one of the underlying reasons for distracting myself from writing. To put yourself out there in writing for all the world to see is also allowing yourself to be open to judgement and praise both of which are extremely terrifying to me. It’s so much easier to let my stories live in my head where the worst critic and judge also lives. That seems a funny thing to say but it’s true. It takes a bit of courage to allow even just one person inside to see where I live, let alone into the rooms where my stories reside. I am as fiercely protective of them as I am of my children. I don’t want them to know disappointment or hurt or ridicule and try to keep them from ever knowing that. But if I protect them too much then I doom them to never becoming everything that they could be. The stumbles & the sometimes resulting embarrassments are all part of the journey and without them they can not grow and become who they will be. So, there comes a time to turn them loose.Let them figure out what they are going to become and sometimes that means getting hurt by real or imagined events. But without it they can never feel the joy of being alive and they never get to experience the triumphs of overcoming such unfortunate events or the triumph that exists when trying something new actually turns out well and just as hoped. I think I should stop now. I’m starting to sound like a whole lot of trite or tripe as I initially wrote and made me laugh when I read the sentence over. I’m not sure which fits better. Haha. This is the extent of my writing for tonight. But I am happy with it and I chose not to address that past few non writing days.

I was realizing today that it’s not jealously that I feel about Taylor’s talent. It’s envy. That’s what I want to edit.

My writing went fairly well yesterday. It’s not quite the same story that I originally wrote but it’s mostly there. A few new details emerged as I was writing so it was fun to discover those. So far it has the feeling of optimism but I am feeling something dark under the surface and I can’t wait for it to reveal itself.

Something else I was thinking about today is I’ve been starting to notice that a lot of questions that I ask have unnecessary add on questions. Such as: Do you want to go to the store with me or would you rather stay home? There’s no need to ask the second question as it will be answered by the first one. I’ve been trying to catch myself doing it and edit myself before the 2nd question comes out. I find that I even do it in work emails but it’s a lot easier to catch myself typing out an unnecessary question when I see myself writing it than it is to catch myself when I’m talking. Sometimes the questions can get a little more complicated especially at work and can sometimes slip past me. Like when asking for instruction on how to proceed on a task. I could ask: Do you want me to send that excel sheet to the boss or would you like to look it over before I send it? Again, the 2nd question will be answered by the first one and so there is no need to ask it. I find that I am spending a whole lot less time on emails now that I am editing out questions that don’t need to be asked.

Well I’ve got a story waiting on me to put words to so that’s all for now.

So, I wrote for an hour last night and was pretty pleased with what had come out and then either through my own ineptness or some fluke with the program I was writing on I lost every bit of what I wrote. I couldn’t seem to get it to save and I even tried copying and pasting it into an email to myself and nothing I could come up with worked. I cried. I thought about posting about it last night but I was too upset with it being gone. So, I was telling my boyfriend about it this morning and he asked if I took a picture of it with my phone. Brilliant idea! Now, why didn’t I think of that?? Too late it was gone. So, now I’m trying to bring myself to re-write the whole thing and maybe that’s for the best. Maybe the re-write will be even better. On the other hand I also keep telling myself why bother which it just plain silly. Of course I should bother!! So, I’m going to start over again tonight. I’m going to use a different program this time as I do not trust the one I was using last night.

On a whole different note. I’ve decided to choose to be happy. So, many times I’ve chosen to be miserable and what a waste of a choice. What does it matter what could have or should have been? I let it matter so many times of course but it’s such a waste of time. There’s a Dawes song where Taylor writes something like the only point of looking back is too see how far we’ve come. And that is so true. The line is actually more brilliant than what I’ve just written but that’s what I’m taking from it for now. If you’ve never listened to Dawes then I suggest that you check them out. A Google search will find you almost everything you need to know about them. Taylor is an amazing writer and I am in awe every time I listen to anything that he’s written. Really, he’s brilliant and has a way with words that I am often jealous of but out of that jealously comes a challenge to be a better writer myself. So, thank you Taylor Goldsmith, challenge accepted! Folks, choose to be happy! It’s a lot easier than you may think even when it seems to be the hardest thing to do.

I have no good excuse for not writing the past few days. Not even any distractions that have kept me from being on task. I am writing today so I’m not going to beat myself up over the past few days. My brother texted me a link on Monday to an article that Chuck Palahniuk wrote giving writing tips. Here it is. Hopefully I’ve added it correctly.

https://litreactor.com/essays/chuck-palahniuk/stocking-stuffers-13-writing-tips-from-chuck-palahniuk

The first one is the one I’ll be employing right away. It’s a good one. All of them are just great and I plan to keep them in mind as I continue this writing thing. Haha Very eloquent. Ah well. Words are making their way out of my head and into the world so I’ll take it.

I’m off now to go get that writing done today.